First of all, I hope this blog makes some sort of sense! I'm lacking in the sleep department and have found my brain has decided not to reappear yet! Bear with me!
We made it! Our amazing beautiful son was born March 8, 2009 at 12:30 am. We named him Benson Timothy. His name is kind of an interesting story in itself. I really like the TV show Law and Order:SVU. And I really love the female detective on that show, Olivia Benson. Her character helps victims of sex abuse and did it in a way that was very inspiring to me. Being a victim of a one time abuse case many years ago myself I could put myself in the shoes of the victims and found her approach comforting and sincere. Even if it was just acting! I found out that the actress, Mariska Hargitay, had a foundation of her own helping victims. It touched me to know she was out there fighting for us, and it wasn't just words on a script to her. So I decided I wanted to name my son Benson kind of with her in mind. I know, I named my son after a female television character! I just hope he'll understand! The name Timothy was easy and a name I knew I would use since I was little. It was my father's name. My dad died when I was 7 and it is so exciting to me to finally be able to honor him and his name. I think of my dad every time I say my son's name, which is so great to me!
So people want to know about Ben's birth, and I'm willing to share! A lot of my fears about birth did happen, I will admit. And a lot of other things happened that I couldn't have anticipated. But I learned when it comes right down to it there wasn't a thing I could do, so I wish I hadn't worried so much. I'm sure every new mom thinks that. I started getting uncomfortable Friday night. My doctor of course wouldn't be on call all weekend but I figured its my first so I could be uncomfortable for days. By the next morning I knew I would never make it through the weekend. The contractions started by noon on Saturday. But I didn't know what they were, I just knew they hurt. I called the hospital around 2 and after describing what I felt the nurse said to me "Sweetie, those are called contractions!" To which I immediately started to cry because my doctor wasn't on call. But we started timing them and by 4 they were coming 3 minutes apart. Earlier in the day I thought I would have more time and sent Todd to take my grandparents to the doctor and the store. I called him saying get home NOW and he had to leave my poor grandparents at the store and call someone to get them!
We checked in and I was only at a 4 but almost 100% effaced. The informed me we would have a baby with 12 hours. And of course I cried again over my doctor. There were only 2 girls in labor that day and the other one was about to deliver. So the doctor, who wasn't mine but still a good guy I guess, delivered her baby and immediately came to break my water. I was in so much pain but was trying to stick it out with hopes that it would help the antibiotics they gave me for strep b work as best they could. I think I made it to a 5 1/2 and begged for the "lady with the drugs"! The epidural, which I was terrified of, was nothing like I thought. I got lucky and didn't have a contraction while they put it in so the pain was so not bad. But I was under the impression those suckers made you completely numb which I was wrong about. My back still hurt but at least the contractions were managable. We settled in for the night and my mom arrived. I demanded we watched Mamma Mia and the nurse was so excited! She kept poking her head in to watch it! The baby's heartbeat kept dropping so I was constantly rolling over trying to raise it. That was a little scary. Then in 2 hours I went the last 4 centimeters and we were ready to go. They make you sit in this weird position for an hour and call it pushing because the baby was supposed to start moving down if you sat like that. Then I started pushing. After another hour of that they discovered Ben had turned to the side and was stuck. So they called the doctor up and he tried to turn him on his own with no luck. Ben's heartbeat was dropping more and more so we had to make a decision fast about what we were going to do. The doctor said it was either emergency c section or forcepts and pushing like I've never pushed before. I really didn't want to do a c section after pushing 2 hours so we used forcepts. Oh that hurt like nothing I've ever felt. Even with the epidural. He was coming fast and the doctor was pulling what felt like my brain out! I felt Ben's head which was amazing. Then I guess I got nervous because I started puking everywhere. It was so gross, I didn't even give them time to react. Then when his head came out they found the cord around his neck. I pushed once more and he was out. But he was limp and not breathing. The room was silent for a few seconds as the nurses worked on him. I wanted to jump off the table to go be with him. 1 minute went by, then another, and there was no crying. Then the nurse I guess saw the panic in my face and assured me things were okay. Then finally we got the littlest cry out of him and he was okay. He weighed in at almost 7lbs 5oz. I think every nurse in the NICU was there with him which was embarassing when I soon remembered I was still hanging out with my legs in the air getting stitched up! But pretty soon they handed my little guy to me for the first time. I was tired I was afraid I would drop him. But he was so perfect! He just layed there and stared at me. It was so amazing! Then they whisked him away to the NICU. I met him there an hour later, talked to him for a few seconds, and went to my own room. They brought him to me a while later and I finally realised I was officially a parent.
The past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. He struggled to learn to suck, not that I had any milk at first anyway. I think I had my first breakdown when he was about 14 hours old. I was so tired and was trying to do everything. The nurses were really great to convince me to let him go to the nursury and try and sleep, which was hard.
My doctor came and visited the second day. I almost cried when I saw her. She apoligized over and over for not being there. I tried to tell her it was okay even though I was so sad. But it was nice of her to visit. I think I'm almost over it now! Almost! She told me she was going to have a little boy soon, which amazed me. By the time I knew Ben was a boy I was a cow, she didn't even look pregnant! They let me go home that same day. That was terrifying! Thank goodness my mom came to help out. Since then our biggest challange has been his jondus and keeping him under the lights. He hates it, I cry everytime I have to put him in it. But we are almost done with that. I cry a lot lately!
He's so alert and beautiful and I couldn't ask for a better baby. Everytime I look at him I'm reminded of how every second of the last 7 years were so worth it. He's just so incredible. I love him more than I ever thought he could. He is my entire life now, I wonder how I ever made it without him. He's just so amazing!
And he is now calling me again to feed him. I'll share more about him later!